would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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