watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
