my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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