does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
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