Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
