I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
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