Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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