Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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