you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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