Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
