I think I died a long time ago.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Of course I have a pirate flag
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