Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
