So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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