I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
