dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
