Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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