We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I need a burrito and a hug.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
