im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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