I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
