My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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