he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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