before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
