Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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