just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
