oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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