Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize