you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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