last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Randomize
