it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
