I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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