1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
