I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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