i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
