Your mouth is God's brothel.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
