I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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