I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize