Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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