I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
