Why is your signature on my underwear?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize