He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
