I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
