OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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