I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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