i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
