I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
