I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize