Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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