M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
