my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
