I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
