so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
