Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
