One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
