Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
