I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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