I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
