beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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