He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I can't turn off my feet"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
