The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
