when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
