im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize