Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
