Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
