areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
