Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
